Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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