Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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