I accidentally had phone sex last night
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
