i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
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