Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
