Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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