): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
