What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
My dick has a subreddit
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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