I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
