He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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