I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
