He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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