I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
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