i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
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