Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
