you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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