You really coming over, don't trick.
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
