I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
