capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
