I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
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