i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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