It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
