you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
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