hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
