Porn is love you can see.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
