Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Randomize
