she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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