If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
