Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
