you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
