What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
It was like getting head from an anaconda
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
