weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
