She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
