so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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