I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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