Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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