I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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