I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
