so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize
