saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Randomize
