Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
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