yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
that is very illegal...i love you.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
