Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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