I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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