TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Randomize
