I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
