I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
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After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
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There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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