Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
