I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
And the cops told us we were all naked.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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