Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
