i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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