Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
