He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
