Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
