You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
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